My Princess Morgen

This picture is courtesy of my friend Amy. It was a belated bday gift for me. I absolutely LOVE it! I am in awe over it. What a thoughtful present and a beautiful one at that! She was kind enough to take Morgen to Libby Lu's for a princess do, then do photos. When I picked up Morgen that day (1/1/08) I asked her if Amy took pictures. She said no. I told her that was hard to believe. Amy always took pictures. Well, she did and Morgen kept her secret for almost two months!!!! I asked her directly and she didn't give me any indication otherwise. What a girl! I just had to remind her the importance of sharing some things with mommy and when to keep a secret. Got to be safe. Anyhow, enjoy. I love them. Gillian is one of Morgen's best friends and Amy's daughter :)

a good cry....

Have you ever just wanted to sit down and cry your heart out? That's where I am at right now. I just feel the need to let it all go. Not in a bad way, but a good one. Here's my life:
1. My typical daughter got a notice of retention. She works her butt off, I have paid thousands in tutoring and we literally work 4-5 hours a night on homework. What more can I do?
2. My son is staring off in space alot lately in class? He is autistic. Is it mini seizures? I have to call a pediatric neurologist to rule it out.
3. My son keeps biting himself. His arm looks hideous. We have worked on intervention/transference of this behavorior for the last 6 years. What more?
4. I spoke with NVLRC today for respite care. I get the run around. I need respite from my son. Not because I don't love him, but because I love him soooo much. This has been a battle for 4 years now. What can I do?
5. Takoda needs preschool. I am squeezing money from everywhere for tutoring. What can I do?
6. My brother came to my house today "normal." I know he is sick. He is homeless but seemingly normal and rational. I love him and it hurts me to see him like this. What can I do?
7. I literally have a bunch of strange men calling my home for my sister. She put her son's wii online and is chatting it up. I told her today that they have to call her cell phone. I explained that I gave her the chance with another guy and let my kids know him and poof he is gone, like all of them. I told her I don't want this around my children. My sister meets a guy and does one of two things.... sleeps with him and he is gone. .... or sleeps with him, moves in with him, then he moves out suddenly and she is homeless yet again. I don't want this around my kids, especially my daughter. I want her to be independent, not a low self esteem pathetic codependent. Harsh, but the truth. Well, she flipped her lid.
8. I watched my nephew play a shooting game with a gun for two hours straight last night. This concerns me. Hey, my sister is his mom. tell you about his self esteem?
9. My hubby is stressed out from school and I am his dumping ground. Okay, but when I go to speak, he yells at me and freaks out and says he doesn't want to hear it. I know him well enough to know it is because he feels helpless and doesn't want to acknowledge that emotion. But, there is only so much that I can take.
10. My dad is very depressed and drinking up a storm. He is the only parent I have left. My grandparents, his parents are very ill, as is my uncle, his brother. My grandma has had many heart attacks and strokes. My grandpa has cancer throughout his whole body and is shutting down. My uncle has pneumonia and is severly MR and Down's. He also weighs about 300-400 lbs.

So basically, many of my problems are about having control. I don't have control over ANY of them and I am at a loss. How do I change things, help things, make things better? WHEW.

Time to go cry.

Venting, venting, venting.....

Okay, I have been busy getting well and doing IEP aka special education things lately. I didn't mean to neglect my blog. Also, my brother has become 100% homeless and has lost it. It is a very emotional time for me. I am angry and sad all at once. Then you add my determination and personal factor of my work and I am just plain zonked! I am worried too right now for my "mom". Shut up C! I can be worried about you whether you like it or not! On a good note, my lil J is going to a new school and I know she will do well and succeed. Did I mention my hubby gets upset because I haven't had dinner made on the table each night? LMAO Hello, I don't want to wait until you come home from wherever (school, work, training, gym, etc.) and eat dinner at 8-9pm. I have things I need to do and it puts me behind to wait for him because then I have to clear the table, wash dishes, and so on. I am just venting friends. I need to let go of some things right now because my plate is overflowing with emotion. Today I didn't have caffeine right off and I have been in zombie mode. I am pathetic and useless right now. Okay, let me share some modeling pics of my whole lot! I love this designer and her work. It has created a wonderful picture for lasting memories for us to cherish here on out. That is priceless.

oxoxo,
Rein

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

This is a fun holiday for me because I have kids. As a single person, nine times out of ten, I was stood up on this date. I think Vday should be about those in your life you have unconditional love, or with children, complete innocence. Then, it is a fun day and there's no expectations. Do we really want someone pressed to give us a ring or to say I love you? Let me tell you, people don't let you down. It is your very own expectations you place on them that let you down. So expect nothing and have FUN!! Bake some cupcakes, lick the spoon, get out some scissors and paper and cut hearts out, eat some conversation hearts, and finally, just be YOU. Love yourself and everyone will love you too. For all my friends, new and old, far and close, young and old......

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Rein

These pictures are VDay 2007. I will have to take new ones this afternoon!

Nyquil

I have to chat about this. I take Nyquil gel caps for congestion and sleep while I am sick. The thing is, I go into dream mode like crazy! The dreams are so vivid when Nyquil induced. I dreamt I came out of Vons with Morgen and a tiger and a lioness were going at it. I yelled at them like they were my own kids and they stopped fighting! Maybe it symbolizes Morgen and Takoda fighting. LMBO I also dreamt that I could figure out how to get evidence against the Dutch dude who murdered Natalie Holloway. I somehow got to Aruba and proved it. Don't ask, because I know the balance in my checkbook didn't get me there! I then proceeded to dream about being in some hick town and finding a chisel wrapped in a blood stained tee shirt on a lakeshore. The murderer caught me discovering it and proceeded to chase me. I soon turned the tables and chased him. WACKO!! Thank you Nyquil and all in one night :)

I got my lips plumped!!!

And I didn't need Botox. Unfotunately they are swollen from sleeping with my mouth open. LOL I have a horrible, horrible cold. I keep running 104 fevers and start shivering until I crawl into bed. I have to be careful because I am a high fever seizure person. Maz was kind enough to put four blankets on me last night because I was shaking so bad. I had on fleece lounge pants, a sweatshirt, and socks. Tell you how bad this is? I think I have to postpone some work things at the begining of the week. I can't breathe, I am now in cough mode (Carol form), and my lips are chapped, swollen, and beet red! Even my gums above my two front teeth are chapped. I look like I have wax lips. Halloween, even April Fool's is too far off to play it off. Oh well, I will take Morgen to cheer all "glossified", aka Vaseline smeared. Off to see the wizard.......

A Pleasant Sunday

Today, I took the kids up the coast to Carpenteria. We met up with my niece, her mom, and grandma to give them one of our minature pincher pups(they live Arroyo Grande). We caught up over lunch and just had a nice "girl" time, so to speak. I haven't spoken much with Jennifer since her and my brother divorced nine years ago. I realized I missed being friends with her. My brother let a good one get away!

After lunch we parted ways and I took the kids to the beach. It is easy to ponder and drift away with the waves and the surf. The storm was nearing its end over our heads, leaving only gray clouds and a cool wind. The water however was only on low tide, but it was pounding the shore relentlessly. We were able to go down into the rocky coves and find some treasures. Hermit crabs, to barnacles, to muscle shells and basic crab shells, to the neatest of rocks to ooh and awe over.

Morgen was busy filling her box, while Tyler and Takoda chose to throw rocks into the flow in creek. I on the other hand got caught up in life. I was taking in the broken shells, to smoothed out glass, to whole shells and magnificently worn rocks. It reminded me life is beautiful, even during storms. We can break, be battered, and worn down, but as long as we keep our perspective, the beauty remains. Waters get stormy and things get tossed around, but the sun eventually shines, the waters calm, and the skies are blue once again. High tide rolls in and covers all those wonderful hidden treasures. But for those who remain patient, low tide will come around again, and all those beauties will be exposed.

On the drive back down the 101, the sun peered through the clouds. It was gleaming a wonderfully brilliant halo on the stormy blue-green monster. I kept driving on home with a smile on my face, knowing God does perform miracles.